Hey Everyone,
Sorry I have been MIA but I was feeling sorry for myself. There are times I seem to only focus on what is wrong and cannot see the great things in my life. I get trapped in this abyss of emotion and I cannot get out of it. Little things can trigger it. Sometimes it is just me thinking of things that happened in my past. I fall into this cycle of self-reflection and trying to figure out what is wrong and how to fix it. I get lost in this cycle. I forget to look around me and see what matters. My daughter, My husband and our dog are amazing and I should always see that. Why is it that sometimes I don’t? Sometimes I just feel lost.
I feel lost because the only person I used to share all my feelings no matter what they were was my mother. I used to tell my mother everything good and bad, work related or something I saw on TV. She would be happy with me or sad with me and she would even be mad for me. It’s in these times of despair that I miss her most. I lost my mother, my confidant and my best friend and I haven’t fully recovered from that. This year will be the fifth anniversary of her death. It just doesn’t get easier. The pain doesn’t fade. I went to a grief counselor for a while and it really helped me. I felt better. Sometimes when something bad or something good happens, she is the first person I want to talk too.
I wish there was someway that I could reach her and tell her that I miss her and that I am sorry for being a pain anytime I made her angry. I wish I could tell her that she was an amazing mother and we were lucky to have her. She was caring and thoughtful, giving and kind. She was the nicest person I knew. She went into debt to help her kids. When she was looking for a house, she factored room for her kids (adult married kids) and her grandson. She always thought of everyone else.
What pains me the most right now is how selfish I am being. I have no reason to be sad. I have a great family and a great life. I may be unemployed right now but I hated the company I worked for so not being there is a great thing. I have money saved so I am ok for now. It is time for me to get off my butt and get back into action.
This week I decided to move furniture around and to reorganize my office. I decided that I needed to write in my blog before I lost the readers I currently have. I am sorry I haven’t written in a bit and I hope you will continue to come back to read about my journey.
Tomorrow I will review another pair of shoes so come back and check it out. They are pink and they look like a leather jacket.
Thanks for reading
Have a great day
Ruthie J